It's 2am...Isn't Sleep Training Fun?

When Z was about 6 ½ months old, we started sleep training. According to all the "experts" we were about 5 months late on this. We just never got the memo. Baby Tuna had her surgery at 4 months old, and while she recovered, we decided to keep her in the pack n play in our room a wee bit longer. About a month later, we started the transition into the crib and sleep training slowly followed.

We monkeyed around with some of the "No Cry" methods (all of which are crap, and let me tell you someone in the house is gonna be crying) since we felt like she had been through enough stress in her short life. We clearly had lost our damn minds. Hunching over the crib for hours on end with our hand on her back, with our hand holding hers, or with our hand placed on the mattress in her view but not touching her.  It wasn't long before I needed a serious chiropractic alignment and a good stiff drink. 

We bagged the "No Cry" crap and moved on to Ferber. Admittedly, we were super inconsistent in the beginning (one of us would always cave), so we didn't see too much success. This is a tough road to travel, but so many parents say this is the way to go, so we stuck with it and after a few weeks, Z was sleeping like a champ. She was still crying for a few minutes, but the Hubs, who is in charge of bedtime, was able to put her down "drowsy, but awake", and she would unhappily drift off to sleep and stay sleeping until morning.

Things were status-quo for a while, I even called success in her Month Ten Update. Then we went back home for four days after Christmas and it all went to shit. We tried to keep to the routine, but who are we kidding, when you're on vacay, things always get out-of-whack. She also started cutting her top teeth, and hit a major fussy phase all at the same time.  So let's just say, we're back at square one. Dr. Ferber...we meet again! 

So here's what I've learned in the last five months:

1. Mommy bloggers are lying hookers. Ok not all of them, but there are a lot out there who are full of crap. Read any mommy blog and you will usually find it devoid of negative stories about their precious littles, unless the story will provide a good laugh. This is especially true when it comes to their baby's sleep habits. We are foolishly led to believe that the children of these bloggers sleep through the night the second they bring them home from the hospital. They barely whimper through teething, growth spurts, milestones, sleep regressions, wonder weeks, and stuffy noses. Well, I call bullshit.

2. Anything read at 3am will feel like an answer sent from heaven.  In your sleepy fog, you could read that standing on your head and singing Twinkle Twinkle backwards will do the trick, and you'll probably try it. You. are. that. desperate. I blame sleep deprivation and iPad eye strain. In our house, we take turns dealing with the night wakings, so one of us is always googling for the right solution (instead of sleeping) while the other is dealing with the little nightmare darling. If you find yourself in this situation, I recommend playing Angry Birds, watching House Hunters, or scrolling through Mental Floss instead. And stay the eff away from any kind of parenting forum. Just trust me on this one. 

3. The so-called sleep experts are the worst. The. worst.  Whether you read every word of their books, flip through them while sitting on the floor in B&N scanning only the pages that seem relevant to your situation (we may or may not have done this a time or two), or find the info online, you are sure to find a whole mess of contradictory phooey that will only confuse you. Factor in the more touchy-feely kumbaya "experts" out there and you will not only feel confused and exhausted, but terrified and like the worst parent in the world. 

Let your baby cry it out and not only will she hate you forever, but she will never be able to trust anyone-ever. If you don't rock her to sleep till she's 12, you will rewire her brain and ensure that she will grow up to be a first-class sociopath. Awesome.

4. Everybody in the house needs to sleep. Even the dog. After a few weeks of multiple night-wakings (and by multiple I mean every 90 minutes) and visits from the No-Nap Ninja, we are running on autopilot around here. The three of us have bags under our eyes, we're grouchy, forgetful, and even Scout is feeling frazzled. The other day, I dumped half a latte in my lap while driving and walked into an open pantry cabinet door. I'm tired and my motor skills are suffering. For the love of god, kid...just sleep!

So, this is the point where you ask, "So Kristi, what is the answer?" and I reply, "I haven't got an effing clue."

For us, well, we're back to our own version of Ferber (cuz we only flipped through the book, remember?) and hoping that will work. This kid needs to start sleeping through the night again, just for the sake of her growth and mental development. And don't get me started on nap time. What's the secret there?! I don't buy into the "some babies just don't need that much sleep" baloney. Sleep is restorative and we all need it. We all really, really need it. Really.